Why Can My Child Do It Sometimes - But Not Others?

One minute your child can do something independently. The next minute, they seem completely unable to do the very same thing. They can get dressed independently on Saturday morning, but need help on a school morning.

They can share beautifully with a sibling one day and struggle to wait for even a few seconds the next. They can tell you all the things they could do when they're angry, but can't remember a single one when they're actually upset.

It can be incredibly confusing. And it's easy to wonder: "If you can do it sometimes, why can't you do it now?" The answer may have less to do with willingness and more to do with capacity.

Knowing a skill isn't the same as being able to access it

Think about your own life.

You probably know how to solve a simple problem, speak politely and make reasonable decisions. But try doing all three when you're exhausted, running late, hungry and someone has just spilled something across the kitchen floor.

Your knowledge hasn't disappeared. But accessing it has become harder.

Children experience this too, often with much less developed capacity for managing the demands placed upon them. A child might possess a skill and still struggle to access it when their body and brain are managing too much.

What changes?

Lots of things can affect a child's available capacity:

• tiredness or hunger

• noise, movement or sensory overload

• worry or excitement

• unexpected changes

• social demands

• time pressure

• difficult transitions

• too many instructions at once

• unfamiliar environments

• simply having had a very big day.

This helps explain why the same child can look so different at home, school, therapy, sport or a birthday party. The child hasn't changed. The demands on the child have.

Before saying, "Try again"

When children struggle with something we know they can do, adults naturally want to prompt them.

- "Remember what we practised."

- "Use your words."

- "What's your strategy?"

- "You know how to do this."

Sometimes that works. But when a child's capacity is already stretched, another instruction can become one more demand.

Instead, try asking yourself: What might be making this harder right now?

Perhaps your child needs: more time, fewer words, help getting started, a quieter space, movement, connection, a predictable next step, a smaller task, or simply an adult alongside them.

Supporting them doesn't mean giving up on independence. It means matching the support to the capacity that's available right now.

When should I teach?

There absolutely is a time for teaching. Children need opportunities to practise problem-solving, emotional language, daily living skills and strategies that will help them become increasingly independent. But timing matters.

Trying to teach a child a new regulation strategy while they're already overwhelmed is a bit like trying to teach someone to swim while they're struggling to keep their head above water.

First, help them find enough stability.

Then scaffold through co-regulation.

And when they're ready, then you can teach.

This is what I mean by:

Timing is therapy.

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Look for capacity, not inconsistency

The next time your child does something one day and struggles with it the next, try resisting the urge to ask: "Why won't they do it?" Instead, consider: "What's different about this moment?"

- What is their body managing?

- What is happening around them?

- How difficult is the task?

- How much support is available?

- What happened before this?

- And most importantly: What would help them access the capacity they have?

Children aren't machines. Their performance will never look exactly the same every day. The goal isn't perfect consistency. It is gradually helping children develop the capacity to participate across more situations, with less support, over time.

It is essential for us to facilitate Capacity before behaviour.

Right support. Right time. Right state.

The Regulation Hourglass™

Chat Soon :)

Beryl