They Can Do It; So Why Can’t They Do It Right Now?

One of the most frustrating things for parents is knowing your child can do something, but watching them struggle with the very same thing at another time.

They can get dressed independently in the morning, but need help later in the day. They can happily walk into preschool one day, then refuse to go through the door the next. They can complete their homework without difficulty on Monday, then seem completely unable to manage it on Tuesday.

It can be easy to wonder: “But you know how to do this. Why can’t you just do it?”

Sometimes the answer is not that your child has forgotten the skill, is being difficult or is choosing not to try. Sometimes their capacity to access the skill has changed.

A child’s ability to cope and participate is affected by what is happening both around them and within them. Their external environment might be noisier, busier, less predictable or more demanding than usual. There may be more people, more instructions, a change in routine or a task that feels harder today. Their internal environment matters too. They may be tired, hungry, worried, uncomfortable, overwhelmed, excited or simply carrying the effects of a very big day.

When all of this adds up, a child may have less capacity available for things they usually manage well. The skill has not necessarily disappeared but, access to the skill has changed.

Instead of asking only, “Can my child do this?”, try asking: “What might be making this harder for them right now?”

Perhaps they need a little more time. Perhaps the task needs to be broken into smaller steps. Perhaps the environment needs to be quieter or more predictable. Perhaps they need you close by for a while. Or perhaps they simply need a chance to reset before trying again.

This does not mean removing every challenge or doing everything for your child. It means recognising that support can change depending on the moment.

• Sometimes our children need us to step in.
• Sometimes they need a little help to get started.
• And sometimes they are ready for us to step back and let them have a go.

The next time your child struggles with something you know they can usually do, try replacing: “Why won’t they do it?” with: “What is making it harder to access this skill right now?”

That small change in thinking can help us respond with greater understanding,  and often with much better results. 

It will help you look beyond the behaviour and consider the child, the task, the support available, and both their internal and external environments.

Sometimes the child has the skill, they just need the right conditions to access it.

If you’d like some help thinking about what may be affecting your child’s participation at home, preschool or school, feel free to download my Co-regulation Quick guide 👇

https://www.theregulationhourglass.com.au/lp-co-regulation-quick-guide

Chat soon,

Beryl