Sometimes It's Not About Changing Your Child

When our children struggle with something, we naturally want to help them develop the skills to manage it. We practise. We encourage. We teach strategies. We remind them what to do.

But sometimes we can become so focused on helping the child change that we forget to ask:

Could something around them change too?

The environment matters

Think about how different you feel depending on where you are. A quiet café compared with a crowded food court. A relaxed Sunday morning compared with getting everyone out the door on Monday. A conversation with one person compared with speaking in front of twenty.

You're still the same person. But different environments place different demands on you.

Children experience this too.

A child who manages an activity easily in one situation may genuinely struggle with the same activity somewhere else.

Look at what's around the difficulty

Imagine your child struggles every morning to get ready for school.

We could immediately focus on independence:

- “They need to learn to organise themselves.”

- But what else is happening?

- Are they tired?

- Are several instructions being given at once?

- Is everyone rushing?

- Are clothes uncomfortable?

- Do they know what happens next?

- Are they trying to find belongings while also eating breakfast and listening to instructions?

Sometimes the child needs a skill. Sometimes the situation needs simplifying.

Small changes count

Supporting the environment doesn't have to involve major changes. It could literally mean:

- giving one instruction at a time,

- allowing more processing time,

- preparing something the night before,

- reducing unnecessary noise,

- changing where an activity happens,

- providing movement before a difficult task,

- making the next step predictable,

- or simply staying nearby.

These changes aren't necessarily about making life easy. They're more about considering whether the demands of the moment match the capacity the child currently has available.

Are we lowering expectations?

This is an understandable concern.

Children do need opportunities to develop skills, tolerate manageable difficulty and become increasingly independent. But support and expectation don't have to compete.

Sometimes changing the environment gives the child more opportunity to succeed, practise and participate. As their capacity grows, the support can change too.

Try a different question

The next time something repeatedly becomes difficult, before asking: “How do I get my child to manage this better?”

try asking: “What is making this harder than it needs to be?”

Perhaps the answer will still involve teaching your child something new. But perhaps you'll notice something else that could change first. Because sometimes supporting a child doesn't begin by changing the child. It begins by changing the conditions around them.

Right support. Right time. Right state.

Beryl Smith 

The Regulation Hourglass™