Are They Ready for What We’re Asking?

It is 4:15 in the afternoon.

Your child has just come home from school. The shoes are in the hallway, the school bag has landed in the middle of the floor, and you remind them:

“Shoes away, lunchbox in the kitchen, get changed and then we’ll start homework.”

Nothing unusual there.

But instead of getting started, your child collapses onto the lounge, snaps at you or bursts into tears. And it is very easy to think: “You do this every day. Why is this suddenly so difficult?”

The interesting thing is that your child may be perfectly capable of doing every one of those things. The question is whether they have enough capacity right now to manage everything you have just asked.

They may already have spent the day listening, waiting, transitioning, concentrating, coping with noise, managing friendships, remembering instructions and meeting expectations. Add tiredness, hunger or a difficult moment at school, and those four simple instructions may suddenly feel much bigger.

The problem may not be the shoes.

It may be the total weight of the moment's demands.

We can see the same thing in lots of everyday situations. Perhaps your child usually manages the supermarket well, but today you have gone straight after school. The lights are bright, the shop is busy, they are hungry and you are rushing.

Perhaps getting dressed is normally independent, but this morning everyone is late, you are giving several instructions at once, and your child is worried about something happening at school.

Perhaps bedtime is usually manageable, but tonight there has been a late activity, your child is overtired and there are still teeth, pyjamas, packing the school bag and choosing clothes for tomorrow to get through.

None of these tasks is unreasonable. But readiness is not only about whether your child knows how to do something. It is also about whether they have enough capacity available for what that moment is asking of them.

And importantly, readiness does not mean calm.

A child can be lively, excited, moving and talking and still be perfectly ready to participate. Instead, we are looking at whether they can access the attention, organisation, communication, flexibility and emotional resources the task needs.

That means looking at both the child’s external environment: the noise, people, routines, expectations, sensory input, time pressure and task demands , and their internal environment: hunger, fatigue, discomfort, emotions, anxiety, arousal and sensory state.

Sometimes the best support is not another reminder.

It might be: “Let’s have something to eat first, then we’ll unpack the bag.”

Or: “I’ll help you start the first step.”

Or: “You look exhausted. Homework can wait ten minutes.”

On another day, the child may have plenty of capacity and your job is simply to step back and let them get on with it. The goal is not to remove expectations. It is to recognise that expectations work best when they are matched to the child's current capacity.

So this week, when your child struggles with something you know they can usually do, pause before asking: “Why won’t they do it?”

Try asking instead: “What am I asking them to manage right now — and are they ready for all of that?”

You may discover that the behaviour you were trying to change was actually telling you something important about the demand.

Free Co-Regulation Quick Guide

If you would like help thinking about what your child may need when participation becomes difficult, download my free Co-Regulation Quick Guide.

It offers a practical starting point for looking beyond “Which strategy should I try?” and considering what your child may need from you, the environment and the moment.

DOWNLOAD THE CO-REGULATION QUICK GUIDE FREE here 👇

 https://www.theregulationhourglass.com.au/lp-co-regulation-quick-guide

Sometimes we do not need to lower the expectation.
We need to change the timing, the support or the size of the demand.